Blog trouble

I’ve been away from here for some weeks now, it seems like forever and I’ve missed you.  One little change to the backend of the blog and everything went awry and I just haven’t had the headspace to correct it. There’s still loads missing, all the images, but I’m hoping, probably against hope, that I can get it sorted soon.

It feels good to be back here, like home. It’s really been like having a piece of me missing. A space to just be me.

Stephie x

Numbers don't lie

11 stone 5. I felt like a boxer, punch drunk on his knees. It all disintegrated in that moment. White light. Everything and nothing.

Thoughts about food have become intrusive over the last month or so, again. The recent extra fat around my stomach that I feel as I bend over makes me feel ill, the feel of it jiggling up and down as I jump or run is a hideous sensation. I notice myself in the gym studio mirrors looking like a sausage squeezed into a lycra skin, or having to breath in to do my jeans up…I knew something had changed over the last 6 weeks. The numbers don’t lie.

Every time I move I think about food, how much I’ve eaten, how poorly and indiscriminately I’ve eaten, how guilty I feel and how to get rid of it. Self loathing is something that I can’t escape and I have thoughts about purging, a polite euphemism for sticking your fingers down your throat and throwing up the contents of your stomach. Or exercising like mad. Anything to get rid of these insistent feelings as quickly as possible.

More numbers. Black on grey rattling by. Blood pressure. Up. Substantially. Not surprising considering the first numerical blow.

I sit and watch the vial fill with my blood as the nurse holds the needle firmly in my vein. She’s talking, but I don’t hear what she’s saying, I just see the deep, dark red and feel a cool tear travel to my cheek. Dissociated.

Eventually, as I leave the tiny room a sense of panic rises and I struggle to grasp one of the seemingly hundreds of possible solutions to the problem. Hiding behind a pillar at the gym won’t help, before long I’ll be able to see myself either side of it anyway. I can’t run it off because of the damned ankle. I can’t stand up straight the entire time. I can’t afford new clothes, and, being completely honest, a size 12 jean is the absolute maximum I can cope with anyway, so that’s just not an option. I can’t just stop eating, or diet, because it’s the medication that’s making me eat.

Ok. It’s the medication. I’ll stop that.

They won’t like it. Who gives a fuck. It’s your body, do what you like with it. Yeah, but they won’t like it. Well don’t tell them. Just do it. You don’t have to ask them anyway. It’s your body remember. Yeah but… Yeah, but what?  6 weeks ago your jeans were loose. And fairly new. The only thing that’s changed, other than the alarmingly rapid weight gain, is the increase in the mood-stabiliser. So stop taking it. But they won’t like it. I’m supposed to be increasing it another 50mg. What are they gonna do about it, lock you away and force it down your throat? Well, maybe… Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.  Just stop taking it. I can’t. Why not?  I can’t just stop, I’ll have kidney failure or something. Get fatter then. But I, I…it’s the only way isn’t it?  Don’t go the whole way then, reduce it to what it was before. Keep the extra half stone from when you first went on it, but get rid of this latest excess load. Just do it. They’ll have to find you another mood stabiliser, that’s all. That or deal with a bulimic. The ball’s in their court.

I took control in a matter of seconds. Before walking the 10 paces from the examination room to the exit, I decided I wouldn’t be taking the increased dose again from that night on, and I wouldn’t be asking anyone’s permission either. It was impulsive, but I lost 2lb this week without doing anything else. And there’s probably another half a stone or so to go. And that’s without factoring in the other half stone I’ve put on over the last 6 months due to lack of running or regular exercise. Or the other half stone (or more) I put on when I went on the medication in the first place. At the moment I have a mild sense of relief: I can already see the decision’s having the right effect.

I didn’t think about the other consequences though…

*Sigh*

Stephie x

 

 

 

10 running things from 2012 I wouldn't have missed

Catchy title huh?! It cuts to the chase, so we’ll say no more!

It’s taken me a while, but I’m finally beginning to settle into the new year and have been daydreaming about what might come. Part of the process is looking back at the positive things over the last year to get a clearer idea of what they were and maybe find a common thread. If I can do that I can look for opportunities in the future with the same thread. Good theory, no idea if it’ll work though.

I thought I’d try and find one thing a month from 2012, but I couldn’t! It’s probably due to injury (and lack of running in certain months) so here’s 10 things I loved last year instead :)

January

A new backpack for Christmas 2011! This fantastic Salomon XA25 pack is lightweight, fully waterproof, roomy and comfortable to boot. I’ve used it throughout the year for trail runs, cycling and walking. I love it and it really comes into its own on the trails. I plan to get a lot more use out of it this year.

Red and grey Salomon running backpack XA25

Time for a break

February

I may have been injured, but this was once of my most memorable experiences ever. It was the furthest I’d run and in the most beautiful landscape. The rain was lashing down and the winds were high, but I was smiling all the way, no small thanks to my ‘support crew’ Linda, Stewart and Kim!  A wonderful 28 mile challenge that I’d be doing again this year if I’d been able to train…next year though. Highly recommend it: Endurance Life Coastal Trail Series, South Devon.

Crossing the finish line at Beesands, South Devon Marathon 2012. Stephanie Boon.

Woohoo!

March

Feet in the Clouds by Richard Askwith. I read this for motivation as I was training for the South Devon marathon and dipped in and out of it afterwards too. It’s one I plan to keep on my bookshelf; I really enjoyed it and want to read it again. There’s plenty about fell running history in the UK, stories about characters in the sport,  beautiful descriptions of the mountains…but best of all, it just makes you want to  get outside and run!

April

Running down a really steep hill in the 5 Tors race on Bodmin Moor, arms out like an aeroplane…weeeeeee!!!!  it’s the little things that make trail running so much fun! I can’t wait to do this one again in 2013 :)

5 Tors, Minions, Bodmin Moor, 2012

Kilmar Tor

May

Met Greg ‘Iron Man’ Hunt when he joined our running club. He’s one of the most unassuming, inspiring people I’ve ever met. At 26 stone he decided it was time to lose weight. And complete an Ironman! Until he joined our club, he’d never even entered a race. Talking to Greg, hearing his incredible positive attitude, and his self-doubts, is enough to make anyone feel they can do anything – and really enjoy the journey. Needless to say, Greg became an Ironman in Wales this September; read his report and then check out his plans for his next jaw-dropping challenge…

Greg Hunt, Fat Man To Ironman, 2012

Greg Hunt, Fat Man To Ironman, 2012

 July

The RAT Recce. I was really looking forward to this 32m event as it promised to be the highlight of the Cornish trail racing season. My running plans had to change (I couldn’t make it at all in the end), but I spent a fantastic afternoon out on the shorter course walking the route just to see what the terrain was like. It was stunningly beautiful and turned out to be one of the best afternoon’s I had all summer!

October – two things…

I didn’t get any running in this month, but found some inspiring reads to keep me motivated.

First off, a race report from Lake Hodges Trail 5k (USA) by Dax Ross of Dirty Running. Running until you’re breathless is life affirming, but imagine what it’s like with cystic fibrosis: breathing is an ordeal and running seems unthinkable. Dax’s sister Sharlie had this disease and early this year underwent a heart and double lung transplant. Just a few months later, incredibly, she was running her first 5k with Dax.  We take so much for granted, complain about niggles and incessantly whinge about painful ankles (er, guilty…), but it’s nothing compared to what some people suffer. I think of Dax’s report and it helps me put things in perspective and regain hope.  It’s an amazing story, I insist you go and read it!

Scott Jurek, Eat and Run. I needed something to help me think about the positive things I could do to improve my running when I couldn’t actually run (or do much else). Changing my diet was top of the list. As I write this with my ’5 months of no running belly’ hanging over my waistband, I can confidently say I’ve got a long way to go! But it’s helped me make a start and I’m really glad I found it. Whether you’re into cooking and food or not, it’s a fascinating read about the self-belief and commitment it takes to get to the top and stay there.

November

The Jog Test, or, the start of acupuncture treatment. Months of excruciatingly painful achilles tendonitis began to ease with new treatment. If you have AT problems, demand it: it seemed to be the only thing that’s had any impact!

December

New trail shoes, woohoo! Vivobarefoot Neo Trail. In hope of an active 2013 I asked Santa for some trail shoes for Christmas and look what he brought! So far I’ve worn them once and they were an absolute dream: comfortable, grippy in some seriously muddy conditions, debris free thanks to the gusseted tongues and ooooh just so pretty!!! It’s going to take all my willpower to take things slowly, so I’ve had to hide them away for a couple of weeks where I can’t see them, otherwise I’ll just be too tempted to put them on and head out to find  a track through some woods!

Vivobarefoot trail running shoes in aubergine

Oooh!

So that’s it. 10 favourite things. And the connecting thread?  Well, I need to reflect a bit more, but so far the words ‘trail’, ‘challenge’ and ‘coast’ stand out. So that’s where I’ll start planning for 2013, what about you? Do you have a method for working out what you want to do this year, or do you just go with your gut feeling?

Stephie

Beautiful Sunday Sky

Roost

Home

Incessant chattering. Sudden quiet. And the skies dance.

Stephie x

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Kim and me! (Photo by Kim!)

Good to be back

Pain or pleasure; I couldn’t decide. The needle sunk into my calf and the weirdest of sensations reverberated down my leg, like an electric shock. And again. And another one. I don’t know how many needles the phsyio stuck in my poor unsuspecting legs, in the name of treatment, but it seems to be having a marvellous effect: I feel like I’ve got new ankles.

I went for a run on Wednesday. A proper run, . . . → CONTINUE READING: Good to be back